It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Randomize
