i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
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My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
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Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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