So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
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I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
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He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
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