I'm so fucking centered right now
Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Randomize
