can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
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