The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Randomize
