Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
His nipple licking is glorious
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