You made me cry and you don't even care
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
Drunk walkin through police station. America
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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