Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
Have you ever noticed every guy named Shaant has scene hair and date girls with racoons stripes in theirs
His name should be shouldn't
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
