Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
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