If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
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