new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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