I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
