When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
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