I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
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