Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
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