Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize
