in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
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