You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
