so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
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