omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
