a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
