I'd wear matching sweaters with you
Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
PS Can you transmit a UTI to a sexual partner? I tried to ask, but the doctor just told me to abstain (sup Bristol) for my own good w/o answering
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
Randomize
