My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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