I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
