i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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