Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Randomize
