We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
but seriously ill do anyone in one of those hats with the earflaps.
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
my nose is crying tears of wow.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
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