and you said cock pushups were impossible
Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
