Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
