could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
and she was petting her beer can
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
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