Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
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