Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
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