I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
so thats a no on the drunken crutches race 2moro
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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