I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
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