hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
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