The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
shes got a really nice body. but her face is eh.
you dont need a face to have sex
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
Dont really know what happened near the end, Pockets were filled with skittles though
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
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