The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Randomize
