I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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