my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
Randomize
