I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
