Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
Randomize
