I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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