we went to that german restaurant and drank out of the boots. Then I threw up into one
Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
Randomize
