I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
How high?! We watched paid programming for 45 minutes before we realized it wasn't just a long commercial. So pretty high. The Bionic fish finder looks promising, though.
Lets get a boat first.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
