You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
Randomize
