im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
Randomize
