I've blown a few things in my day
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Randomize
