After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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