Quick, to the slutcave!
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
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