I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
I haven't gotten it in awhile but since spring break is next week I'm willing to have a pregnancy scare if it means no bleeding through the suit
Yeah wouldn't want it to interfere with beach sex. Nothing should interfere with beach sex
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
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