I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
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