I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize
