The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
I know you're having some issues right now but can we focus on the gangbang?
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
