I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.