I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
27 Signs That Someone Will Probably Be Bad At Sex
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
23 Proposal Horror Stories You Won’t Believe
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends