I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
